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Despite all this, my little brother's experience was starkly different to mine. He and his wife planned their first pregnancy very well. They knew they wanted a baby, they discussed timing and they started trying when it was the right time. She conceived after they deliberately started trying and now they have a beautiful little girl.

 

My experience did not follow this pattern at all. My partner and I had only been together for 18 months or so when she conceived. We knew we were right for each other, but had just moved to a new city and were settling into the new pace of life which all such moves bring. We were talking about having babies, but planned to travel first, skiing in New Zealand and an African safari were definitely on the cards.

 

When my brother found out they were expecting a child, they had already had the opportunity to discuss many of the potential issues which would arise and where they may have differing points of view. As such, they had the opportunity to compromise on these issues and agree on how to deal with them before they even arose. On the other hand, I never had this opportunity. I had to try and figure out how to deal with these issues on the fly, after we conceived, with the added pressure that I was not supposed to upset my partner when she was pregnant.

 

I'll give you an example of how these 2 different scenarios panned out for us. We both had our very own version of the "Well Meaning Woman". That is, the woman who "knows everything", believes she is doing the right thing in advising you on all matters baby, but what she is really doing is crossing family boundaries and interfering in matters that should be respected as being solely between you and your partner. In my brother's case it was the mother in law, in my case it was my partner's best friend.

 

If you have a "well meaning woman" in your life, you will probably already know who it is.

 

My brother and his wife gave deliberate thought on how to deal with the mother in law and they had specific strategies in place to this end prior to conceiving. For them, this meant that once they did conceive, every time she became overbearing, crossing that line, they implemented the strategy, their boundaries were politely but firmly re-established, and their pregnancy and relationship developed harmoniously from the day of conception.

 

In my situation, as soon as we found out we were expecting child, I knew the best friend would be an issue. Naturally I discussed it with my partner, but met with resistance immediately. We did not have any strategies in place to deal with these interferences. It took us 3 major interferences by this person along with some clear advice from my partner's sister, before I convinced her there was an issue and we needed to deal with it.

 

The basic problem we had was that without the ability to plan, we were being reactive. What should have been family planning, was perceived by my partner as me attacking her friends. So I had to first convince my partner that the friend's behavior was unacceptable, after the pregnancy hormones had kicked in, and then work out a way to deal with it. This caused about 6 weeks of stress which, as my brother proved, was plain unnecessary

 

So if you are planning a baby, make a list of all the people who may cause issues for you during pregnancy. Think about the people who are going to leave you feeling stressed, excluded, slighted, interfered with or pressured. Concentrate on yourself, not your partner. Then ask your partner to do the same. When you both have your list, go through every name together, discussing the issues which they may cause and appropriate methods of overcoming these issues. Do this together so that when the issues do arise, you are already working together to overcome them. It will certainly make life more peaceful during your pregnancy.